put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't turn off my feet"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize