There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
