shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
