that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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