i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
