you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
do nipples grow back?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
