if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
