i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
