I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
