we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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