I just threw up on my dentist
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
