the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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