mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I will pee on everything he values.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
