At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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