why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
