i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
