I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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