Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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