I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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