I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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