i already hear my dad disowning me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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