it wasn't lemon gatorade
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize