im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
why is half of my head shaved?
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