I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
