mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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