my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
