Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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