Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am midnight drunk by noon
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
