2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
