Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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