My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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