i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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