PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
