The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
