my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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