i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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