Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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