My hand turned me down
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
