Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
