I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize