I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
