they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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