you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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