ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
