I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
