I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
