So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
