I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
