I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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