my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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