I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
