This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well most of my day revolves around power hour
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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