And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize