There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You need a sexual gate keeper
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
