I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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