pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
