You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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