We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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