Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
