After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
