everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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