My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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