Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
